Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
