This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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