You can't special order awesome
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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