the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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