I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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