Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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