K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
