I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize