I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That was an excessively violent trivia night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Boobs are out for the taking
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize