If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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