i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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