I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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