Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
