Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When are your genitals available?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
