hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
