Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
