By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
