i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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