Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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