it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
