we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
