I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
