So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
