Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
