I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
