My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
