I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
