I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
