This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
