were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
