On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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