I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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