I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What a dumb baby whore.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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