so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
