I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
