she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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