I got chris browned last night
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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