Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
