is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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