They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
