toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize