I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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