If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize