I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
