i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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