woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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