im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
