STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
