I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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