what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
