So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
