Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
