Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
