So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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