college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
