I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
