Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize