God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
