did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
