I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
